It’s been over a year since I posted here about my recovery. I thought I was done writing about it and closed up shop for the year. I decided to dust it off because there is no such thing as being done with recovery and sometimes it helps to write about it. If for nothing else than to dump it from your brain and move on.
There are many situations where I still feel uncomfortable when I see images or hear people talking about drinking. I’m not on Facebook much but when I log on there always seems to be a post or a meme about drinking. Face it many of us use(d) alcohol to dim the craziness of life sometimes and joke about it in the process. I just don’t find these jokes quite as funny anymore because they hit a little too close to home. Instead, meme’s can evoke feelings of not fitting in because I can’t comment or lol on these posts. I know this is all about me and not the people posting them.
When I was drinking heavily, it was usually over a situation that didn’t go the way I wanted and I thought that’s what everyone did. Bad day at work? Go have a glass of wine and relax. Your husband or kid isn’t cooperating? A glass of wine will fix that. But most people could have one drink to chill out and that’s it. That’s not the way I drank.
My one drink to chill usually ended up in a hangover the next day. Until I was sick of being sick. And that’s where I decided I needed to put everything into not drinking again. Along the way, I learned about resentments and how to put them down on paper and really examine them from all angles. Usually I find that it’s all down to the expectations I put on other people and I have to remember I can only control me.
But when I see these images or hear someone tell me to go have a glass of wine (someone who doesn’t know I’m an alcoholic) it kind of gets my back up. A few weeks ago I was at a dinner with some moms at school. I generally avoid these situations because I don’t hear well in noisy environments (and most restaurants are noisy) and then someone usually asks why I’m not drinking. And of course someone did but instead of saying I don’t drink, I said I wasn’t feeling well (which was true) and that led them to say the alcohol could help my cold. Um, I’ll stick to ginger ale.
I’ve also bitten my tongue in conversations, particularly during early recover when I heard someone talk about alcoholics living on the streets. I wanted to interject that they don’t all live on the streets. Some of them are right here, right now, they don’t necessarily stick out lick a sore thumb. But I didn’t and I’m not sure when I’ll be comfortable enough to do that.
One thing I was nervous about with the (non-alcoholic) people I shared my situation with was that they’d feel uncomfortable around me, particularly talking about things like happy hour or other drinking occasions. But guess what, I think they forget all about it or maybe I’m overly sensitive because people still talk about drinking around me which is OK. My alcoholism is a big part of MY life, but not so much anyone else’s.
Ok, now it’s out there. I feel better.